I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
