Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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