i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
