If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
