I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't deserve a penis
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
