I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
