I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
