He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize