there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
