I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
