Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
