When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
