He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
