nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
