I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
