Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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