He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't deserve a penis
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
