it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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