I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
