So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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