I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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