The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
