he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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