i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
