my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
