I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
