I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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