what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
