Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize