every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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