I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
