it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
