we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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