the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
