she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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