Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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