I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
