I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
