i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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