when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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