I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We left an ass print on the piano.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
