So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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