I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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