THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
