Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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