I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
