Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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