false alarm. still invincible.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
