I got chris browned last night
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize