Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
