I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
