Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
