Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
