i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
