Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
