I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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