I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
