If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
