I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
