Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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