i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
