Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
